I think for most people, you only start to think about life - for real - when you are faced with the reality of your existence, and the fact that the life you have lived is all that will summarize your existence. You think and breathe, but your mind is in a constant state of disbelief because you can't actually comprehend that this could and would happen to you.
You don't think it would ever happen to you because you are you. Your life is good. Not a care in the world. This is the stuff that happens to other people - to people you know; to strangers that you read about in the news. But never you. Boy did I get a wake-up call!
When the doctor told me that she felt lumps in my breast I thought one thing. Cancer.
You don't just find lumps and ignore that prognosis. I didn't understand what exactly was going on because I am someone who makes sure to go for any annual check-ups. I am talking about: pap smear, blood-work, breast exam ...etc., and this is just to rule out anything and everything. When it comes to my health or the health of my family and friends, I don't play. I am always the one to sound off on that topic because the struggle is real. I don't need to speak from experience, but I understand the personal and life struggle especially when someone is given a fatal diagnosis. There are too many things in this world to ignore especially when it comes to one's health, so I personally do not chance it, and neither do the people closest to me. So, when I heard what my doctor was saying, in my mind, I was thinking, "But we just had a check-up last year. What do you mean you feel a lump? What kind of lump?"
It didn't sink in, and it still hasn't. But the reality of just how serious this was hit when I told my mom. To say she was shocked and worried is an understatement. As any mother would for the love of their child, she went into full on mommy-worry-mode (which is above your head and close to touching the clouds). The severity of what I had told her hadn't fully hit me until she started asking me why I hadn't told her sooner. I had known for all of less than five hours and she wanted to know why I'd not told her as soon as it happened. *stupid look on my face...ummm*
Why didn't I tell her? She has been through hell and back over the course of the last year and a bit, and we all have, but I wanted to find out what was going first before I talked. I didn't tell her I think for the most part because I didn't want her to worry. She is my mommy and I wanted to spare her any sort of unnecessary worry especially if it turned out to be nothing. But now she worries every day about me. And she didn't have to before as much.